


Losing Control

by calie15



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-17
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2018-02-09 07:10:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1973589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calie15/pseuds/calie15
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: losing control</p>
            </blockquote>





	Losing Control

When Bucky had met Jemma he knew he had to be on his best behavior. Sure, she’d seen a lot as an agent with SHIELD, he knew that. As he slowly began to learn her story he found out that she knew her fare share of danger, fear, sadness, betrayal, all things people in their positions learned. Jemma didn’t know him though. Perhaps she’d heard rumors, knew what happened during the fall of HYDRA and SHIELD, but she didn’t really know.

When he talked to her, when he showed his interest, he was Bucky, he drew on that man he had been decades ago. He hid that darkness in him when it came to her. Bucky wanted to be a better man for her, but in the end he couldn’t hide what he was. Bucky was a killer, trained and efficient. He was also a man struggling through seventy years of torture and murder. He wasn’t sure he’d ever be right again.

The mission should have been easy. It was supposed to be easy. In fact, Bucky hadn’t been concerned for Jemma’s safety in the least. No one had been that concerned. Which was why they were so ill equipped to fight the enemy.

When his life was on the line, when it was them or him, Bucky was on auto pilot, that was the best way to describe it. Kill or be killed. He wasn’t Bucky Barnes then, friend of Steve Rogers. He was the Winter Soldier. You couldn’t shake seventy years of programming. He’d been the Winter Soldier longer then he had been Bucky Barnes.

When he fought it was brutal, it was deadly. 

Bucky had never wanted Jemma to see that, but she had. She’d seen every neck snap, every shot, every bone break, every jab of his knife. And he was unrepentant as ever. When every body had fallen, dead, he hadn’t even flinched, hadn’t even looked down in regret. He’d walked away and given a cold order to move out. She’d blinked at him, innocent as ever, and turned away silently. Then, he had flinched, but she hadn’t even seen it.

And regret slowly crept into his heart as they headed back to the helicarrier. Not at the lives he’d taken, brutal and efficiently, but the look on her face. As they walked back she remained ahead and never looked back. Bucky always thought that his method to killing was controlled, but he knew then that it wasn’t. He’d lost control of himself, he’d reverted back into something he despised, a cold, murderous killer.

It was when he was replacing weapons that he stopped and froze. As he stared at the wrack of automatic weapons the entire scene replayed in his head, over and over again. He tried of figure out where he went wrong, when the switch flipped, what caused it.

A noise jared him from reliving that fight. Bucky reached for his weapon and spun, aiming it at the intruder. Before him stood Jemma, mouth parted and eyes wide in shock. Bucky choked on a gasp and dropped the weapon, stepping back.

“Bucky,” she said gently and moved forward.

No, she couldn’t come near him, and with fear curling in his gut he stepped back again, straight into a table. “Stop.”

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but it’s okay.”  
It wasn’t okay, none of this was okay. Quickly, he shook his head. “No, none of this is okay. Just go.” That’s what was best, that’s what was right. She should have ran, but she didn’t.

“What?” She asked, taken aback, clearly hurt.

“You saw,” he said firmly. “Just now, I-. I try being normal, but I’m not. I’m…a mess.”

Jemma breathed in deeply and then exhaled. “Bucky, you don’t have to be normal.”

He did though, for her he did. That’s what made her smile. Normal had actually gotten him the girl. Now he’d ruined that. He’d spent befriending her, slowly making his move. He’d never expected her to be receptive, but she had been. Their relationship was still so new and Bucky knew it couldn't withstand this. “You don’t get it.”

“I do. I do get it. Bloody hell Bucky, I’m a genus, don’t you realize I’m aware of every psychological issue you struggle with? I don’t want to be rude, but do you really think I’d befriend the former Winter Soldier without staying up all night reading through his file to find out if this is a man I want to have tea with?”

“I hate tea,” he said automatically. She smiled.

“I know,” she said with a small laugh.

He sighed. “This isn’t safe, not when I can lose control like earlier, like just now.”

“Which is why when we get back you’re getting evaluated again.”

Her voice was so matter of fact that he tensed.

“It’s the right thing to do Bucky,” Jemma said more gently. “If you want to be safe then it’s what you need to do.”

Reluctantly, he nodded and then she closed the distance between them. When her arms went around his neck he wound his around her waist and pulled her against him. He’d lost the fight, and Bucky found he really didn’t care. 

Moments later he relaxed with his face buried into her hair. “So you ran the equivalent of a background check on me?” She pulled away and looked up at him with a shy smile.

“Yes, I could write a book,” she said and her smile widened slightly.

Bucky lifted a hand to brushed strands of dark hair from her face. She blinked quickly and raised her head higher. “Let’s not,” he said thoughtfully, not sure he wanted to know what she had discovered. Yet she was still looking up at him with enough adoration that he could make himself believe he’d never done a bad thing in his life. 

As he slid his finger into her hair he leaned forward and pressed a kiss against her lips. His heart hammered and his chest felt heavy, and as he pulled away and pressed his forehead against hers he knew what it was. Bucky didn’t just like Jemma, he loved her, and he could have said it just then, he wanted to. He almost ached to say it. But he’d lost himself earlier, he’d pulled a fucking gun on her. Bucky wanted to love her, but he couldn’t bring himself to say it, not yet. Not until he felt confident enough again.


End file.
